Mister Snuffleupagus
Souvankham Thammavongsa‘s fourth poetry book is Cluster (M&S, 2019). Her writing has appeared in Harper’s, Granta, Best American Non-Required Reading, and other places.
You wouldn’t know it but I’m Mister Snuffleupagus
Big Bird’s best friend on a street called Sesame
It took a lot of work to be Mister Snuffleupagus
No one really knows that
I did it for two and half years
Big Bird told me “Most people don’t last that long”
I didn’t want to be Mister Snuffleupagus
I did it for Big Bird
I thought he could really use a real friend
I went to the audition and I got the part
Each week there was a new audition and I always made the cut
I don’t really know why
Maybe they were impressed I did it all by myself
It usually took a team of two or three to be him
I blinked his eyes and fluttered his eyelashes
I moved all four legs, that tail and trunk
I sang and swayed and propped him up
All the lines I had to memorize
All the staying-out-of-the-way I did
There were others who had been Mister Snuffleupagus
But no one was as good as me
Maybe you noticed something different about him
When I was Mister Snuffleupagus
I noticed something different about Big Bird
He was happy
The view I had from inside the suit
I watched all the friends who came
And never saw me
I watched all the games you all played
I never got to play with anyone but Big Bird
He had me all to himself
I loved Big Bird
I guess that’s the reason I came back each week to audition
Big Bird and I knew each other without our costumes
We had seen the other’s face
He let me see his face
He said something about love and he took off his head
I took my head off too, but it was because I wanted to be seen in that love
Big Bird told me I could be replaced
Anyone could be Mister Snuffleupagus, he said
I argued back
It’s not true, I said
Only I could be Mister Snuffleupagus
The same way only he could be Big Bird
That year he turned forty-two
The year he knew the answer to the ultimate question to life, the universe, and everything
But he didn’t know the question
I was there
I was good at having feelings and having fun
But that isn’t proof of anything
Feelings
I was the expert at the small joys
The one who asked all the questions
After a while, I got tired of not being seen
I stopped auditioning
I guess I wanted to see if anyone would notice
My scenes were written off
I was abandoned and became obsolete
It happens to everyone, I guess
Not long after I had been gone
Everyone else moved out of the neighbourhood
Even the grouchy guy in the garbage can
Friends stopped coming over for dinner
The food went stale and the wheels fell off
Big Bird doesn’t know why
I do
When I was there
I was the one who held up all that magic for him
I was Mister Snuffleupagus
That’s why
Big Bird moved out of the neighbourhood too
There were other Mister Snuffleupaguses I am sure
But none were like me
Big Bird would never say that
Not to me
It would mean there was something behind all the play
Something real
Just because you have nothing to show for it
It doesn’t mean it wasn’t real
All the children are still there
Grown up now, of course
They don’t know what I made and did for them
Big Bird doesn’t either
I want to say what I never got to say
That it was me
That it was mine
It all belonged to me
I was there when it all happened
At the beginning
It isn’t in his stories or his books
I wasn’t even given a footnote
I wasn’t in the appendix
There was talk of a dedication once
But that fell through
Happiness embarrasses Big Bird
It’s easier to spit and swallow vitriol
He won’t ever say it
So I will say it for myself
Because I live in this world too
I am Mister Snuffleupagus
Souvankham Thammavongsa‘s fourth poetry book is Cluster (M&S, 2019). Her writing has appeared in Harper’s, Granta, Best American Non-Required Reading, and other places.